Timing is everything

I've been watching movies again.

I watched "Pushing Tin" and "Lovers of the Arctic Circle - Destiny Cannot Be Denied".

I've also been reading books - Zen books. It's amazing how it all ties together. Pushing Tin is really about Zen - of course, isn't everything? The Zen books says that we make up our own reality from what we see and "think" is going on all the time. Just watch Pushing Tin and you will see it in action. Every time t he main character "thinks" the other character is reacting to what he has done, it turns out that it has absolutely nothing to do with him. It is our own paranoia and wild minds that create our reality - both good and bad. I think back on how many times I believe that someone has done something TO ME and now, as it turns out, it may have had nothing at all to do with me, as most things don't have anything to do with me. It's kind of amazing. I am so egocentric. I guess we all are in some ways and some of us more than others. Anyway, I had to laugh when I looked at the cover of the movie and saw the quote" A High Flying Comedy." It's not a comedy at all. It's another Zen training movie. I suspect that the writers know that, but I don't know if the audience knows it. Some do, some don't. All depends on where you are, I suppose. See it. It's terrific.

I've had this epiphany this weekend. I was reading an article in the latest "Wired" magazine. (Read it - it's got great articles this month, as always - http://www.wired.com/wired/) and I read the article about the doctor who is using a new kind of anesthesia/pain management for the men and women who are in Iraq. All of a sudden, I realized that all being in the moment really means is that you see what is right there in front of you, and you act on it - or not. What I'm saying is that this guy sees a problem and is working on a solution. He isn't working on every problem in the world, just this one problem. And it occurred to me that that's what Mother Teresa was talking about when she said "grow where you are planted." See what is in front of you and do something about what is presented to you where you are with what you have to work with. That's being in the moment. It's not sitting around thinking about things or saying" I wish this was different," it's really rolling up your sleeves and doing something about what it right in front of you - or me. And that's what I think I have been missing in my life. I keep thinking that there's something BIG for me to do or something somewhere else for me to do but it might just be here right now in front of me and I'm missing the boat, as they say. I suppose it's another question though, to figure out if I want to do it - whatever it is. But, if I never take a look out there and SEE what there is to be done, then I won't even know what the choices are.

And therein lies the problem. The thing that has plagued me my whole life is that somehow I don't have any idea how to get started and a belief that I can really do anything. I need to go back in time and figure out how I came to that conclusion. Maybe I don't have to keep holding onto that conclusion? I know that it might not be that I need to go back and figure it out - maybe that's a waste of time, but I keep thinking that maybe that's the only way I can really figure out how to get unstuck. I feel really STUCK right now. Planted in the ground a thousand feet deep and going nowhere. I always feel like there is a lot of potential here, but nothing ever comes of it. I don't know if I don't have the wherewithal to stick with things, or get started, or if I'm just downright lazy, but I am really stuck in a place that is like being squeezed tighter and tighter and tighter.

And that brings up the second movie, "Lovers of the Arctic Circle." Timing is everything on this plane. One wonders if there is any way to change anything? Could it be that we are not in control of our own lives? Is it as Fred Alan Wolf talks about when he says that our lives are like a person riding an elephant through life and we only believe that we are directing the elephant, when in fact, life is moving of it's own volition and we are only here for the ride? I don't know. I just simply don't know. Maybe there isn't such a thing as personal responsibility because there is nothing that is personal? Maybe everything is non-local? If some things are local and some non-local, which is which and how can we tell? I think there's more to this whole thing than meets the eye, as it were. I don't want to give away anything from the movie, but I get it. That's all I'll say.

Timing is everything.

Living in the Moment

Gosh, I've been reading again and trying to understand this idea of being in the moment. Everytime I think I have it, it escapes me. Which, of course, is the point. It is not about catching something. My mind wants to catch this idea and in one or two brief seconds, I find that I am in it and then I am in my mind again and the suffering starts all over again.

Can it possibly be that there really isn't anything here? In any given second - nanosecond - there is something, but in the next nanosecond, there is something else, so there is nothing that stay stable and solid from one second to the next. This means that there really is nothing. The world is empty. But, how the hell can I make use of that in my daily life? That's the question.

It is abundantly clear how to do that. I read quite awhile ago that one of the practices of Gandhi was to see every person and every situation for the first time. He would greet people he knew very well as though he had just met them - because he knew that he was just meeting that person for the first time. We all are just meeting each other for the first time. - each and every time. So, the trick is that to be in the moment, we have to be here now and not in some previous moment with what happened 10 minutes ago. Some people would say that that would be a disaster but actually it's the only way a person can really "see" what it happening now - is to be present. How many times have we seen someone that we haven't seen in awhile and based on our previous experience with that person, listen to what they have to say, ignore what they have to say or believe what they have to say and run on in our mind about how they did whatever. In doing so, the present moment goes out the window. We are not hearing what they are saying now because our thoughts are crowding out what is happening. If they stole from us before, we might run away from them now. We are even taught to do this. But, this very moment means that perhaps we should run or perhaps we should not, but we'll never know if we just run away. Conditioning is so strong. We are creatures of conditioning and don't even know it most of the time. I certainly don't.

So, that's the goal. To be here now.

Oh, really?

There's someone in here who is totally freaked out by that idea. I think it's the same person who sat me up in bed one night and said, "don't get too clever - you need me."

Your life if none of your business

That's something that was said quite often at the monastery.

I try to hear that when I get these moods that really destroy my zest for life. I really believe this is all hormone driven.

I've had the weird experience that the universe is always talking to us - that it is custom made for each and every one of us if we are paying attention. I ran into this thing at Costco today that just might be the solution to the problem of hormones. I don't know anything about the product, but there is was right in front of my face- some kind of natural mood, joint and something else solution. I am not much for taking any kind of drugs or daily supplements, but when something makes an appearance right before my eyes, I try to pay attention. So, maybe this is something I'm supposed to try - but does it have to cost me $40 right away? I figured out that it costs about 50 cents a day for this stuff. I suppose that's not too much to ask, is it?

So, what's with this idea that the universe is talking to us all the time? Well, to me it just seems as though there is a synchronicity to things, if I am paying attention. When I'm in the flow of things, things just appear. For instance, when I was in Miami Beach recently, I was walking along. I said something like, "gosh, I would sure like an ice cream." Lo and behold, there was an ice cream shop right there. I mean within 10 steps of where I was standing. It went like that all day. I needed a haircut and a salon magically appeared - one I could afford and where they had a seat available. I don't know why that happens. I am not into anything other than thinking that if I am "in the zone" and paying attention, everything I need will be right here before my very eyes. But, why is it so often that I cannot get into the flow of things?

Interesting. What's coming up is that the reason I am not in the flow is that I separate myself from life at those moments. When I am in the flow of life, then there is no separation. It's almost exactly as the book "Surfing the Himalayas" says. Getting into the flow of things means there is no separation. I never realized until now that that's probably how it works. Maybe that's the trick. But how does one maintain that connection or place of no separation? When I am in it, I have no idea how I got there and when I'm not, I have no idea why I'm not. I suppose I hardly even realize until well after the fact that I wasn't in the flow. It's easy to spot when I am not, however. Everything is a grind. Everything comes to a grinding halt in my life and I'm "totally out of synch." How many times have I heard that? "Out of synch."

Man, I can tell that I am itchy to leave town. I am itchy to go someplace and just breathe for awhile. I may need a Seattle "hit" one of these days. I think I need a little salt water hit. I don't even need an ocean hit - just a salt water hit. I need to smell the essence of life again. I recall when I was in Miami Beach that I felt like a salmon coming back home when I saw the ocean. I could feel my body almost quiver when I stood on the beach. I could hardly wait to get my feet into the water again. Interesting. Why can't I honor that and move toward the ocean? What is it -something like 80% of all people live near the coast in this country. Can they all be misguided? Maybe - maybe not. I think about all the time. Seems like such a small thing to fix. I could probably find a job somewhere near the coast if I really gave it a try. What keeps me stuck?

Nothing. Just fear.

Isn't that what keeps us all stuck? Fear.

'A whole 'nother discussion for later.

Losing Interest

I can tell that I am losing interest - interest in most of everything lately.

I can tell that everything is becoming a chore and that I am really bored with the way things are going. I'm ready to "phone it in," as they say, and forget the details. I'm not taking any photos, I'm bored with building a new web site, and I'm looking around for something really interesting to do. I've even had the thought that, just to spice things up, I should quit my job (there is nothing like the adrenaline rush of being out of work and having bills to pay) and move someplace exotic - or at least someplace with a beach. The only thing I can consistently think of that I like to do is go to the beach. I can sit at the beach all day, and then the next day and the next and never get bored. Now, I don't know if I HAD to sit at the beach every day whether or not I would say that but, for the most part, I am pretty content being at the beach and having something to read. I used to love going to the beach at Green Lake in Seattle and sitting for the whole day or going for a walk around the lake and then sitting and reading my Business Week or Wall Street Journal and taking in the whole atmosphere.

So, where does that leave me? Bored and ready for something new. I'm not particularly financially set to do something like this but then again, I have very little in the way of debt and very few things. I have somehow traveled pretty lightly on this earth, as they say. I don't much like accumulating things and, in fact, I would just asoon not own anything much except for my wheels and a computer. Anything else ties me down. I am a wandering spirit, that's for sure, and anything that keeps me in one place feels like a straight jacket.

So, what to do next? Somehow, thinking that I should just quit my job and move someplace warm has some appeal to me right now. Things aren't that good at home and it might just be time to bail. I have this crazy idea that I just want to live someplace where I can learn to surf and be outside more. I'm really tired of winter - T I R E D. It gets old to have to deal with slippery roads and winter clothes and all the rest. I'm really not a winter person anymore. So, maybe it's time to really take myself seriously for once and try to actually live out my own dreams! What a concept. I know that if I did that, everything else would fall into place. I just need the courage and the faith to know that what I am called to do is what I should be doing. Going with the flow... paying attention to what I am being called to do. Somehow, I never seem to heed those calls and I think that's where my depression comes from. Not taking myself seriously.

The question is - if I don't take myself seriously, who will?

"I" vs. "We"

I (we) spent the better part of the morning talking about the "I" vs. "we" dilemma we find ourselves in nearly everyday, in most discussions and in the ways we try to make decisions about what we are going to do together.

We talked about crunch points and this is certainly one of them - maybe the central one of our lives together. We figured out that the content is really unimportant - the content changes all the time but the crunch point occurs all the time. The discussion goes something like this:

"What should we do with our time today?"K says.

I say,"well, I don't know what we should do with our time."

"We should do something."

"Yes, we should."

At this point, I get frustrated and I want to scream at K and say, "what the hell do you want to do today - just spit it out. If you don't say anything about what you want to do, we can go around and around and never get anyplace with this discussion and then I want to leave the room. It's like saying 'Call 911'. Who's supposed to call 911? You , me, who? And then the discussion falls apart because K feels threatened by my tone of voice (frustration) and I get up and leave. K feels unsafe and I feel totally frustrated that nothing has been decided.

So,we're in this continuous loop - a conditioned loop of endless variations where the content changes but the outcome is about the same. I insist that for anything to get started or negotiated, someone has to put something on the table for discussion. Some idea, SOMETHING to have a discussion about. I think that that only comes from the place of "I." I want this or that. It gives the discussion an opening serve. Then the other person can return the serve but passing the ball back with an idea of their own. And so it can go back and forth until there is a conclusion or agreement about what "we" are going to do. Maybe we will do something together - maybe we won't. But until there is something on the table to discuss, I go my way and K can go the other way.

So, somehow we seems to spin around and around on this axis point but never really stray very far from it. The circle might be wide or narrow, but in the end, it always boils down to this one crunch point. And therein lies the problem.

At some point, it might be easier to just give up and take the ball and go play with someone else. The first few years of any relationship seem to be filled with fewer moments of really hard core disagreement and that makes it easier, but in the end, they all spiral down to the issues that are crunch points. Crunch points just are. As I said before, sometimes people just avoid those points by giving in and rolling their eyes and acquiescing, and others just go looking and find someone else to start the cycle all over with, but few really actually work through the whole thing so that pattern can be disassembled.

At some point in the discussion, I knew that we haven't moved beyond the same crunch point since the very inception of our relationship and in one brief moment, knew that we did not have the wherewithal to figure this out. We keep doing the same thing over and over and over. And yet, something popped in today - when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

We are going to try several things - a mixture of several things that we know about. We are reading a books called Being Zen by Ezra Bayda. He talks about keeping track of thoughts and moving from thinking to experiencing. Since I am mostly a thinker, and K is mostly an "experiencer," we are proposing that we switch roles and move into the other position for awhile to see what we can do with "we" and "I" from those perspectives. We are also followers of process work and in doing so, we are thinking that the "experiencing" part of this might include all of the ways in which issues present themselves in process work - from kinesthetic to world work. There might be some value in paying attention to the flirts, our dreams, our physical movements as well as the feelings about things. So, we are headed down a blind alley, but one that seems to offer some other way of dissecting this issue. One thing we have both learned over the years is that doing anything differently than we are currently doing it will change the situation. And that's what we're attempting to do here.

Move us off the dime.

Wish us luck.

Ok, so there might be something to this stuff

I had an interesting conversation this morning.

I am in a relationship - aren't we all? One of the real crunch points in this relationship is how much one has to change their behavior to suit the other person. I am from Minnesota and did not grow up in a home where there was a lot of "touchy-feely" stuff that went on, hence, I am not the kind of person would be considered "cuddly." (If you have any problem understanding this phenomenon, check out Garrison Keillor and his weekly radio show called A Prairie Home Companion (http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/) and you'll get the gist of what I mean by this.

Anyway, what's really interesting about this is that I am beginning to think that this whole thing is like playing with a Rubik's Cube. We all have our way of being. We usually match up with someone who is the opposite of the way we are - what we aspire to be, or maybe the extreme of the way we aspire to be. When we find that the other person is making demands on us that we can't meet or don't fit with who we are, we play with the cube and try another combination of the cube, hoping that this new combination will work. I figure that it takes about 7 years to get through all of the combinations that one thinks might work (hence, the 7 year itch) , and then there is a choice.

What happens is, I say something like, "you have to accept me as I am. I am not the cuddly, soft, tender person that you want." Which, of course, means that I am asking this person to change and not NEED to have a warm, cuddly, tender mate because that's not who I am. If they would only not need that kind of person, the person that I am would do just fine. So, either I have to change (become more cuddly, tender and warm) or they have to change and not need those characteristics in a mate.

What I see happening is that some people remain unconscious of the "real issue" and go looking for someone else to meet those needs which often times leads to the breakup of the current relationship and starts a new cycle of ramping up to the 7-year itch, or they just remain in the situation and never get their needs met and remain unconscious in the sense that they become bitter and angry, or they figure out that what they want is a mirror of what the other wants and works on getting out the of the dichotomy to a win-win situation....

And therein lies the problem. Where is the win-win? How does one get to the win-win? I attended a seminar last year given by a remarkable man, Max Schupbach (http://www.maxfacilitation.net/) . In that seminar, he talked about the man from the movie "A Beautiful Mind," about John Nash. One of the things that John Nash figured out in is game theory is that there is always one solution to any problem or conflict that is a win-win situation. And that's what we are looking for. The win-win solution. I have no idea how to get there, however.

We are (there's a 'we') in a situation where the issue that we are trying to work out, along with the rest of the world, is where is "we" vs. where is "I." I tend to think in "I" whereas K thinks in "we." I'm not sure that that's entirely true, but let's accept that as the premise for the moment. When we try to do things, statements are made like "we should go to the store."

Sure, we should. But I don't believe 'we' do anything. I do something and K does something but there is no "we" doing anything. And that's where push comes to shove.

I'm kind of going around in circles right now and getting confused. Max would say that I am getting to an edge right now. Confusion takes over and I lose my train of thought. Ego is like that.

Anyway, this is what we are trying to solve in our relationship. "I" vs. "We." And isn't that what the whole planet is trying to solve? I mean really, when you think about it, if there was a "we," GWB would have signed the Kyoto Protocol, eh? But, there is no "we" in our government right now. It makes me nervous that I could be compared to the current adminitration.

Movies and Books

I went to see Fred Alan Wolf talk about his new book. Since when did book signing become something people charged for? I was rather appalled that it was $15 for him to tell us that we could "read it in the book." Sure, there were some tidbits in the talk but really nothing I didn't already know. He seems to be a little full of himself saying that he only speaks to full houses and "at 70 , who needs to be a superstar?" Superstar - most people don't know who he is, much less consider him a superstar. Elvis is a superstar. Get a clue. And he never did explain how yoga is tied to time travel or what he defines as time travel. Those who live it don't have to talk about it. I wonder if the yogis in India think of themselves as superstars?

"So it goes," -that great phrase from Linda Ellerbee.

I just finished watching a movie called "El Bola." Very powerful. Hard to explain, but I can identify with the kid in this story. I suppose at some level, I can identify with everyone's story, but I could really identify with this kid. I can't say anymore about it. (Seems as though I'm still keeping the secrets.)

I had an interesting dream the other night that I am trying to hang on to. If I write it down, then it will still remain fresh, I think. I dreamed that if I see things from the meta position of god, then all ways of doing things are just ways of doing things. If I only see it from my perspective, then there is my way of doing things and everyone else's but from that perspective, there are many ways of doing things - as many as there are people. It is only from the meta position that a person can see that the whole conglomeration of ways of doing things is the way things are done. Hard to explain. I'm not sure I even still have the gist of what the dream was trying to tell me now. It seemed so clear at the time.

The reason I bring this up is that I can see the contrast in trying to do things with one person vs. another. In one situation, I worked on a project - a big project, mind you, and it was relatively easy to work with this person. I don't know if it was because our ideas were often the same - which they were not - or that it didn't become a pissing contest when we discussed options, but now in this situation, everything seems to become a pissing contest, so to speak. Everything is a BIG DAMN DEAL and results in hurt feelings. I don't know how the anatomy of this relationship is different than the last, but there is something that definitely doesn't work here that worked before. Or maybe I just acquiesced more. I don't know about this. I need to keep looking and watching because there is something wrong here and it's just not fun anymore.
Now back to cleaning house.

What More?

I am - what?

Good start.

Isn't that always the question? I am what? I am watching what I am doing these days - as always. It seems to be my full-time job. It is weird to me that there are times when
I am doing things that do not seem to be who I am. I get into these moods where I want to "wrestle." So, I get a bit incorrigible and rasty and enjoy the sparring for the fun of it but don't really take any of it too seriously. I just like "wrestling." But, there are times when the other person (partner) does not want to do this or doesn't understand that it's really just for amusement.

I've also noticed how often this other person preempts what I am going to do. I can see now how people start to hide what they are going to do because they don't want the commentary that goes along with everything they do. If I say, "I'm going to do x" and then wait for the commentary about it, it feels like there isn't much support but rather an evaluation that ends up being criticism. So, it becomes easier and easier to just avoid talking about what I'm going to do and to just talk about things after the fact. I can see why people eventually hide most of what they are doing from someone to avoid the evaluation period.

I guess the next step is trying to see how I do that with people. I am not naive enough to think that anyone has a market on this kind of behavior so I need to see how I do this, too, and how it undermines relationships. I think it goes back to this "we" vs. "I" problem. If I was truly just listening to what someone is telling me rather than judging it, then I could just hear what they are saying without having any opinion about it. Instead, it seems that I am prone to wanting to "give my two cents worth" and try to offer a better solution. (Therein lies the problem - thinking that people are asking for help and want suggestions when, in fact, most of the time people are probably just wanting to be heard.)

We are such creatures of habit and conditioning. I suspect that how we are raised is pretty much exactly how we learn to deal with the world at large when we are adults. If someone was always giving us suggestions or unsolicited advice, then that's what we do, too. It is so hard to break the cycle of conditioning and be present without offering anything but an ear. Active listening. Such a hard thing to do but something that pays big dividends, I think, for relationships.

Something to work on.

Active listening.

Perhaps I could even start with myself?

What would I say if I were truly listening to myself?

An Unfinished Life

What an interesting concept. Having an unfinished life is impossible, of course. If you're still alive, you still have things to do. If not, well... maybe you don't.

I'm still alive so I must have something left to do. The thing that's really got me going is thinking about my Dad. He and I are almost exactly 30 years apart in age. He died 30 years ago this April and I keep wondering what it would be like to be dead in 3.5 months. Would I feel like I had an unfinished life? Certainly so, at this point. I don't know what I would have to accomplish to feel like I had a finished life. I keep thinking that I haven't really done anything in life worth doing. I keep getting lost in the cycle of asking the question - what would make life worth doing? And then I have moments when I just about cry with the realization of what a miracle it is that any of us - me included - are alive. This whole thing is so incredible to me in some moments and a burden in others. It doesn't seem to matter what we really do, but in others I am caught in the "hell" of feeling lost. I have the feeling that it is all hormone driven but I can't prove it.

I was listening to Science Friday today and heard about all of the studies that have been done on AIDS these days and what the scientists know about the disease. It seems that we have receptors that let the virus in. In some people, there are chemicals that fill those receptors and do not let the virus in. And in rhesus monkeys, they have an amino acid that we do not have that prevents them for getting the virus. All very interesting. The more one knows about these things, the more one knows that these things are merely chemical things and not religious or moral issues, I think. It's just a matter of biology and behavior. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to behavior. That's for sure.

Anyway, I had some interesting dreams last night. Mostly about sleeping in beds that were not made up. Interesting that I would be sleeping in a bed that I had not made up. What an interesting metaphor, eh? I wonder how that translates into my life experience?

I also am beginning to wonder if we have any joint experience at all. If two people are doing something, are they having a joint experience or is one person having their experience and the other is having their experience? I think of it as two people seeing the same movie - are they having a common experience - or are they having their own experience of it? Or both? The reason I bring this up is that when I was discussing something with someone, it came to my attention that this person was really bored with the whole telling of the story - my story, because they claimed that it did not involve them. And that's entirely true. No one is having my experience of what is happening, are they? It bugs me that people think there is somehow a "we" experience to things where I think each one is having their own experience of it and nothing more. Perhaps this is my lifelong question. I don't know how to answer it except to say that people who grew up with few boundaries seem to have the feeling that there is a "we" experience and those who grew up more distant and with stronger boundaries of separation from people seem to think they are having their own experience of things. There is only one person at a time - or is there? This is the question that gets in the way more often than not in my relationships. This "we" vs. "I" version of the world. I always say that a camel is a horse designed by committee. I don't even know how I would go about proving one version vs. another. I also don't know if it is important enough to do so other than to prove the point that people who can't use "I" never seem to get anything done because they are always waiting for "we" to do something. We never did anything. I do something and the other does something. There is no "we," in my book.

Navigation. That's the theme that keeps coming up for me. A lack of navigation. Funny that I have a GPS now. A navigation tool. What are the navigation tools of life? Goals, I suppose. And I've never had any. I've never sat down and written up a list of goals and really stuck to them. I am living an undirected life, that's for sure. I keep thinking that it's very simple. Set a goal and then figure out something to do every day that moves you further on toward the goal. I read someplace that you have to be willing to do something every day toward your goals. Every day. If they aren't important enough to do something everyday, then why bother? But figuring out what the goal is going to be is the roughest thing. I have no idea how to even begin thinking about how to set goals. I suppose it has to be based on my values - what do I value and value enough to do something every day to head in that direction? That's a good question and one I most frequently avoid asking and answering. If I could get off the dime and answer that question, then maybe I could move forward. Every time I think about what I would like to have in my life, I think I will be alone as a result of my choices. Or at least I used to think that. Maybe that's not really true and maybe it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe it's time to really be alive and pursue what I am going to pursue an let the chips fall where they may? Scary thought but time is running out and how long am I really going to wait? Something to think about. Something also to DO something about.

I do not want to be dead, having lived an unfinished life.

Time is not on my side

I am watching how I spend my time this week.

It's not a pretty sight.

I spend most of my time trying to hold on to every moment I can because I don't want to go back to work again on Friday. I feel like I am spending all of my time watching time flow by and that's a waste of time.... so to speak.

So, what did I do today? I watched my tape of 60 minutes at 7:30 this morning. I am getting up a lot earlier these days for some reason - and falling asleep a lot soon, too. I don't know why this has happened but ever since I got back from Miami, I crash about 9pm and wake up about 5:3o or 6:00 am. That is SO unusual for me. I am usually up until 2 am and asleep until 10 or 11am. I'm kind of glad that this has happened to me because I get a whole lot more done during the day this way.

Two things have come to mind. I've been thinking about a process work session I was involved in about a week ago. For those of you who don't know what this is, check out http://www.aamindell.net/ for the details. Thinking in terms of whatever is presented is something that is also a global issue, I am beginning to see how we all have "walls" around us. My particular verision of this is my inability to really be a part of things. I am an observer ( a photographer, a person who watches things) but not someone who participates very often. When I do, it's a surprise to everyone - including my self. So, the "wall" for me is what keeps me separate from everyone else. It is my protection against the world. I don't know how I learnded to be this way, but I can see now that I spend most of my time behind this wall. I've even described it that way several times. A flirt that I have had in the last 2 hours is reading the chapter in "The Four Agreements" about the wall of deception between who I am and the person I present to the public.

Now I've lost it. When I think of these things, I need to write them down right away or I lose them. Somehow it all made sense a minute ago and now it doesn't. The monastery would say that that's what ego does - pretends to be confused when the truth shows up.

Funny how often that happens.

I've done exactly nothing to day and loved it

I am trying to write this on thes spur of the moment and not think too much about the composition. That's a little hard to do because I think of things throughout the day that I want to mention and then I forget what it was and so I guess this does by virture of the fact that I am having "senior moments" more and more often, I will be writing off the top of my head.

I finished watching "Goya in Bordeaux." today. Interesting that much of his painting was spurred on by dreams and by the love of a woman. The movie portrayed him as a person who was very much in touch with nature, his dreams and with his "sensitive" side. It is interesting to me that every generation has it's conservative movement that wants to thwart the "liberals." They talk about it in this movie in terms of having to hide things from the Inquisition. It seems that some people are always in the business of telling other people what they should (or should not) be doing.

Then, as now, there are those who would impose tough sanctions on all kinds of acitivities. But, to what end? It seems to be so totally hypocritical for anyone in the current administration to talk of their Christian values when they are killing Iraqis every day to the tune of nearly 100,000 now. Somehow I guess they don't consider killing Iraqi applicable to their version of "thou shalt not kill." This is something I have never understood. A practicing Buddhist would not kill anyone for any reason.

Let's see - what else is new?

I'm reading "The Beauty of the Beastly" by Natalie Angier. Seems as though there are lots of reasons for all kinds of behavior - most of them chemical as it turns out. Peptides and receptors. When it all works well, we behave well. When they don't work well, we behave in ways that don't seem to be very productive or useful. But who really knows anyway? Nobody really knows much of anything about much of anything. We're all just guessing about most of everything. I would defy anyone to be able to say anything about anything that they know for sure. All I would say is - how do you know that? Could be faith, could be what we think of as evidence, but the fact is - we're all just shooting blanks in the dark hoping to "hit" a target we "think" is there. All you have to do is read some of the books out on brain injuries now and it becomes pretty clear that we are just one big receptor and when the receptor changes, the receptions change. Some people don't even know they have a body part anymore. One woman denied the existance of the whole left side of her body. Go figure. And personality is the same way. It is something that resides in the brain in a location that can be damaged or changed forever. Poof! I could be gone in a minute. Life could turn on a dime and I might not even know it! Somehow that's really frightening and exciting all at the same time, isn't it? Too bad we can't just insert a new personality when we want one - like a computer program that would come with the latest enhancements. Want the ability to be comfortable doing small talk - insert "small talk" module 101 and voila! I become a small-talk wizard. Weird, I know. But it's something to think about. That's the thing - whatever we can dream, we can eventually create. That's how it works, I think. So, I'm waiting for the "beam me up, Scotty" version of transportation.

That's about it for today.

Plugging Away

I'm at this again.

I'm trying to teach myself Photoshop CS because I have it and because I know there are lots of cool things I can do with it that I don't know how to do.

That said, I am watching how I avoid doing the dirty work of really doing the exercises to learn the program. I have this insatiable need to learn the program but no patience for learning the details. I think this falls under the "how you do anything is how you do everything" category and is the story of my life. I am a mile wide and 2 inches deep. Some people are a mile deep and 2 inches wide. And therein lies the problem.

I keep thinking that the people who are a mile deep are the ones who are successful in life. They know how to do something and how to get things done. I just fiddle around. I dabble in things. I don't really have the patience to really stick to anything for very long and when the going gets tough, I am the first to bail.

Is that really true and if it is, how can I make the best of it? I firmly believe that going with one's nature is way more productive than fighting it, so how can I make use of this skill and not have it be a downer or something that gets in the way of things?

These are the things that are on my mind today. I have this picture of a platter and on the platter are these ideas being served up. Somehow that is an interesting picture to me. But, it doesn't solve the problem nor does it say whether the problem is real or not.

I guess I'm feeling AGAIN that I really have nothing to do. I know there are lots of things that need doing but I don't want to do any of them. The house could be cleaned, the dog needs washing, the cars need cleaning, Photoshop needs learning. But, to what end? Why bother? That's always the 64,000 Dollar Question. What makes all of this worthwhile? What difference would it make if I did anything or nothing at all? That's the point I always get back to. I used think that making money was important. I used to think that being well read was important. But, in the end - none of it makes a damn bit of difference really. And that's really the problem. Living with no goals or belief that anything makes a difference really grates on the system after awhile.

So, what to do now? Pretend to be happy? Pretend that anything means something? Pretend that any of this makes any difference? I just don't know if it's worth pretending anymore.

Where does that leave me? I don't know. On the ocean in a rowboat floating around with no land or ships in site. Just floating.

Is this hormones or reality? I never know.

Returning to Reality

There is something to be said for taking a vacation.

I've just returned from 2.5 weeks in Miami Beach. For someone who lives up in snow country, that is a BIG change. For one thing, people do not stay home at night. We were gone almost every night doing something - whether it was just walking down Lincoln Road and people watching or walking along the boardwalk or skating. We were always doing something. I can see how being in a warm climate makes for more exercise. At home during the winter, it is so easy to veg out on the couch and watch movies and stay warm. When warmth is not a problem, it is easy to up and out practically every evening. I can see how I would watch a LOT less TV because there are so many more choices there about how to spend time.

In fact, I was totally blown away by the fact that people do not stay home even on Christmas Day or evening there. I suspect that the high numbers of Jewish folks probably contribute to the fact tat Lincoln Road was packed on Christmas night! But even so, there were tons of people out and about that night. Where I grew up and the experiences I have had around Christmas, people stay home that day. It's almost a "sin" to even THINK of being out that day.

The point I am making is that if a person doesn't travel, it is easy to assume that everyone does it the way you do it, which, of course, is a mistake. No one does it exactly like I do it or anyone else does it except maybe family members. And that's where my cruiosity lies most of the time. I do things one way; someone else does them another way. It is the observation that I love - noting how everyone has a different way of doing things. When I can get out of myself and just observe and ask questions about why people do what they do, then life is fun. That's really the fun of life for me. Seeing how everyone is different.

Watched "Man on Fire" this week. Talk about brutal. I had no idea that this kind of thing went on or that people would do these things to each other. Sometimes I wonder if there is any hope at all for the human race. I suppose if I take the idea of people do things different ways to the extreme, I wouldn't be so appauled by what I saw. It was just his way of handling the situation. On the other hand, what is it in our world that creates people who will steal children for randsom and others who will cut off fingers to get them back? I don't know if I have EVER been in that kind of situation so I don't know how I would behanve but I doubt very seriously that I could cut off someone's fingers for information. I just don't think I could do it no matter what the circumstances.

I've decided that writing again on the blog is going to be my daily routine. Let's see what happens.