Another day of accomplishing NOTHING

I think I have become the queen of doing nothing. I LOOK like I am doing things, but at the end of the day, I don't seem to have accomplished anything. It's a very weird feeling to notice that I don't really do anything and it surprises me.

So, how am I able to do this? And what, if anything, does it mean? Probably nothing. Well, let me qualify that. PART of me thinks that it doesn't mean anything. Part of me thinks it's a BIG deal, and part of me is amused by the whole thing to the point of laughing outloud. And this is precisely what keeps me locked in this cycle of spinning around like a top. I think of one thing, work on it and then moments later, I switch and work on something else. I don't stay with anything for more than 10 minutes - which drives me a little mad at times. How can this be? How can I ever get anything done if I can't stay with anything for more than 10 minutes?

I am trying to watch the patterns. Start this... Move on to something new in moments. Frustration. Start loading something for the home business, don't have the bank statements, can't get started, stop and switch to something else. Try to get the website up. Can't decide what kind of hosting I need. Stop. Switch to something else. Start doing cards, stop. Don't have the hard drive connected that has all the photos and don't have a color cartridge for the printer. Start reading a book, get bored, put it down, start a new book. Look for another piece for the frame for pictures, don't know the size, leave store before making a decision.

It's an endless cycle of starting and stopping things without ever finishing anything. Interesting dream the other night. Dream that my partner was leaving me for a man. She said that she wasn't leaving me because she didn't love me but because the guy was paying attention to her. I know, of course, that this dream had nothing to do with my partner and it had everything to do with me. I get confused when I read a lot of my Buddhist books because attachment to anything is cause of suffering. So, I am attached to this body, to my job, to my lack of ability to concentrate, to my lack of success, etc...

I know that these attachments are the cause of suffering but how to get out of it? How to live in this world and not live in this world. How to be more lighthearted? Everything seems so serious and heavy right now. Is this depression? I don't know. I keep thinking that I have probably been depressed my whole life and not known it. I can't seem to shake the heaviness of life... Like I've been slimed and I can't wash it off. Maybe that's true?

I read a good line in a book the other day- "One of the pitfalls of childhood is that one doesn't have to understand something to feel it. By the time the mind is able to comprehend what has happened, the wounds of the heart are already too deep." p. 35, The Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon. I don't know why that struck me at the time I read it, but it made so much sense to me. I don't even know why.

So, time to go. More later. Don't know exactly what will come of this, but it's time to write again. And write I will.