Time is not on my side

I am watching how I spend my time this week.

It's not a pretty sight.

I spend most of my time trying to hold on to every moment I can because I don't want to go back to work again on Friday. I feel like I am spending all of my time watching time flow by and that's a waste of time.... so to speak.

So, what did I do today? I watched my tape of 60 minutes at 7:30 this morning. I am getting up a lot earlier these days for some reason - and falling asleep a lot soon, too. I don't know why this has happened but ever since I got back from Miami, I crash about 9pm and wake up about 5:3o or 6:00 am. That is SO unusual for me. I am usually up until 2 am and asleep until 10 or 11am. I'm kind of glad that this has happened to me because I get a whole lot more done during the day this way.

Two things have come to mind. I've been thinking about a process work session I was involved in about a week ago. For those of you who don't know what this is, check out http://www.aamindell.net/ for the details. Thinking in terms of whatever is presented is something that is also a global issue, I am beginning to see how we all have "walls" around us. My particular verision of this is my inability to really be a part of things. I am an observer ( a photographer, a person who watches things) but not someone who participates very often. When I do, it's a surprise to everyone - including my self. So, the "wall" for me is what keeps me separate from everyone else. It is my protection against the world. I don't know how I learnded to be this way, but I can see now that I spend most of my time behind this wall. I've even described it that way several times. A flirt that I have had in the last 2 hours is reading the chapter in "The Four Agreements" about the wall of deception between who I am and the person I present to the public.

Now I've lost it. When I think of these things, I need to write them down right away or I lose them. Somehow it all made sense a minute ago and now it doesn't. The monastery would say that that's what ego does - pretends to be confused when the truth shows up.

Funny how often that happens.