Impossible- Now let's start planning

I just watched Man on Wire - the documentary of the guy who walked on the wire between the Twin Towers in 1974. I vaguely remember this event because I was in New York City once and it happened to be in 1973 while the Twin Towers were being built.

This is a tale of courage, creativity, and a passion for life. He is really living his life right up to the edge. I can only see that because I am sitting comfortably in the middle and from this vantage point he is one of the few who is really alive in this world. I don't think it is because of the magnitude of his feat that I admire him, but the mere fact that he set a goal - an impossible one, at that - and followed through. He believed in himself enough to just put both buns into it and go! The shear force of his personality was the key. The others would have given up. The others would have folded their tents and gone home long before him. He could not fail, however, because anyone who has the creativity and courage to try such a performance will surely succeed. How could it be otherwise?

That's what I am missing in my life. I can see it in his, which is why I can see that it is lacking in mine.

I am so knotted up inside that I just don't do anything these days. I have the force of will, but no direction. I have projects in mind, but no conviction. No movement. Suppose I just take what is in front of me right now. What would I do?

We have this house. It needs a tremendous amount of work. It is a 70's ranch that has been neglected for years - us and others. The mind says "what's the point? Even if you succeed in making the place nice to live in, the neighbors will still be beer drinking, rowdy, smoking folks who make so much noise that you can't even open your windows."

The heart says, "sell the house, buy a motorhome and travel the country. Learn to surf. Help kids learn golf. Hold silence retreats in motorhome parks."

The industrious part of me wants to just start building. Build the deck. Build the fence. Tear out the carpet and put in tile and wood floors. Damn the torpedoes - full steam ahead kind of attitude.

I realized that the tension that I create here when we do a project is the same kind of tension that I feel and create at work. I am opposed to everything. I am in a weird place, that's for sure. I don't know if I'm afraid of hard work or that the results will be disappointing.

I need to keep digging.