What More?

I am - what?

Good start.

Isn't that always the question? I am what? I am watching what I am doing these days - as always. It seems to be my full-time job. It is weird to me that there are times when
I am doing things that do not seem to be who I am. I get into these moods where I want to "wrestle." So, I get a bit incorrigible and rasty and enjoy the sparring for the fun of it but don't really take any of it too seriously. I just like "wrestling." But, there are times when the other person (partner) does not want to do this or doesn't understand that it's really just for amusement.

I've also noticed how often this other person preempts what I am going to do. I can see now how people start to hide what they are going to do because they don't want the commentary that goes along with everything they do. If I say, "I'm going to do x" and then wait for the commentary about it, it feels like there isn't much support but rather an evaluation that ends up being criticism. So, it becomes easier and easier to just avoid talking about what I'm going to do and to just talk about things after the fact. I can see why people eventually hide most of what they are doing from someone to avoid the evaluation period.

I guess the next step is trying to see how I do that with people. I am not naive enough to think that anyone has a market on this kind of behavior so I need to see how I do this, too, and how it undermines relationships. I think it goes back to this "we" vs. "I" problem. If I was truly just listening to what someone is telling me rather than judging it, then I could just hear what they are saying without having any opinion about it. Instead, it seems that I am prone to wanting to "give my two cents worth" and try to offer a better solution. (Therein lies the problem - thinking that people are asking for help and want suggestions when, in fact, most of the time people are probably just wanting to be heard.)

We are such creatures of habit and conditioning. I suspect that how we are raised is pretty much exactly how we learn to deal with the world at large when we are adults. If someone was always giving us suggestions or unsolicited advice, then that's what we do, too. It is so hard to break the cycle of conditioning and be present without offering anything but an ear. Active listening. Such a hard thing to do but something that pays big dividends, I think, for relationships.

Something to work on.

Active listening.

Perhaps I could even start with myself?

What would I say if I were truly listening to myself?