An Unfinished Life

What an interesting concept. Having an unfinished life is impossible, of course. If you're still alive, you still have things to do. If not, well... maybe you don't.

I'm still alive so I must have something left to do. The thing that's really got me going is thinking about my Dad. He and I are almost exactly 30 years apart in age. He died 30 years ago this April and I keep wondering what it would be like to be dead in 3.5 months. Would I feel like I had an unfinished life? Certainly so, at this point. I don't know what I would have to accomplish to feel like I had a finished life. I keep thinking that I haven't really done anything in life worth doing. I keep getting lost in the cycle of asking the question - what would make life worth doing? And then I have moments when I just about cry with the realization of what a miracle it is that any of us - me included - are alive. This whole thing is so incredible to me in some moments and a burden in others. It doesn't seem to matter what we really do, but in others I am caught in the "hell" of feeling lost. I have the feeling that it is all hormone driven but I can't prove it.

I was listening to Science Friday today and heard about all of the studies that have been done on AIDS these days and what the scientists know about the disease. It seems that we have receptors that let the virus in. In some people, there are chemicals that fill those receptors and do not let the virus in. And in rhesus monkeys, they have an amino acid that we do not have that prevents them for getting the virus. All very interesting. The more one knows about these things, the more one knows that these things are merely chemical things and not religious or moral issues, I think. It's just a matter of biology and behavior. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to behavior. That's for sure.

Anyway, I had some interesting dreams last night. Mostly about sleeping in beds that were not made up. Interesting that I would be sleeping in a bed that I had not made up. What an interesting metaphor, eh? I wonder how that translates into my life experience?

I also am beginning to wonder if we have any joint experience at all. If two people are doing something, are they having a joint experience or is one person having their experience and the other is having their experience? I think of it as two people seeing the same movie - are they having a common experience - or are they having their own experience of it? Or both? The reason I bring this up is that when I was discussing something with someone, it came to my attention that this person was really bored with the whole telling of the story - my story, because they claimed that it did not involve them. And that's entirely true. No one is having my experience of what is happening, are they? It bugs me that people think there is somehow a "we" experience to things where I think each one is having their own experience of it and nothing more. Perhaps this is my lifelong question. I don't know how to answer it except to say that people who grew up with few boundaries seem to have the feeling that there is a "we" experience and those who grew up more distant and with stronger boundaries of separation from people seem to think they are having their own experience of things. There is only one person at a time - or is there? This is the question that gets in the way more often than not in my relationships. This "we" vs. "I" version of the world. I always say that a camel is a horse designed by committee. I don't even know how I would go about proving one version vs. another. I also don't know if it is important enough to do so other than to prove the point that people who can't use "I" never seem to get anything done because they are always waiting for "we" to do something. We never did anything. I do something and the other does something. There is no "we," in my book.

Navigation. That's the theme that keeps coming up for me. A lack of navigation. Funny that I have a GPS now. A navigation tool. What are the navigation tools of life? Goals, I suppose. And I've never had any. I've never sat down and written up a list of goals and really stuck to them. I am living an undirected life, that's for sure. I keep thinking that it's very simple. Set a goal and then figure out something to do every day that moves you further on toward the goal. I read someplace that you have to be willing to do something every day toward your goals. Every day. If they aren't important enough to do something everyday, then why bother? But figuring out what the goal is going to be is the roughest thing. I have no idea how to even begin thinking about how to set goals. I suppose it has to be based on my values - what do I value and value enough to do something every day to head in that direction? That's a good question and one I most frequently avoid asking and answering. If I could get off the dime and answer that question, then maybe I could move forward. Every time I think about what I would like to have in my life, I think I will be alone as a result of my choices. Or at least I used to think that. Maybe that's not really true and maybe it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe it's time to really be alive and pursue what I am going to pursue an let the chips fall where they may? Scary thought but time is running out and how long am I really going to wait? Something to think about. Something also to DO something about.

I do not want to be dead, having lived an unfinished life.