It's all very interesting, isn't it?

I have been thinking about this blogging thing today. I am so funny. I worry that someone will read it and then I worry that no one will read it. What a funny thing. It's actually kind of hilarious what we put ourselves through in this life. And, for the most part, it's all made up. We make it up as we go along, as I say.

So, what's happening right now? Well, I revised the template that this uses and added the Feedburner link (give me an idea if this works if you can) and I added their counter. I don't really know how to add these things so I just put them where I think they belong.

I've been playing the "Journey to the Wild Divine" (http://www.wilddivine.com/) again. It am totally fascinated. I get lost a lot along the way but I love it! It is a game to teach meditation/relaxation/energy skills through a biofeedback connection. I am amazed at the effect this thing has on me. Breathing is something that is underrated in this culture. At least I never learned the value of it. Panic, fear, and shame are what they taught in Catholic school so it's refreshing to have something that energizes in a positive way in my life. (I guess I STILL have some issues with the Catholic Church even after all these years. It proves how insidious the brainwashing was. I wonder if the memory removal idea in the movie "Eternal Sunshine.." would work? Now that's an idea that a lot of people could get behind.)

Anyway, the game is very fun and relaxing. It can be played at any time for any amount of time. There is no "goal" and there is no "winning." It is just a game of events. I like that part. When I used to play pick-up hockey in Seattle with a bunch of transplanted East Coast and Midwestern folks, we played without keeping score. I miss games like that. It really wasn't important how many goals were scored, but HOW they were scored. I know, I know... it goes against the American way not to have a winner, but it was so enjoyable to just play for the sake of playing. I wish more things were like that... perhaps the Super Bowl? How many times have you heard, so and so played a better game but the score was... blah, blah. Couldn't we just take a national vote on who played the better game? Who executed their plays with more finesse? It sounds crazy but I think about those things all the time. And for one who used to be a die-hard totally obsessed competitor, (yes, as a matter of fact I have won my share of golf tournaments so I know what winning is like) it is quite a change of heart to think that just playing the game is enough.

That's about it for now. I have to get back to a polymer clay figurine that I am working on today. I like clay right now. I can make anything I can dream up. Writing is like that, too, don't you think?

Go to this site - this guy is brilliant - REALLY

http://dead-serious.blogspot.com/

This is a new site for cartoons that are just TERRIFIC.

Check it out.

I'm creating again - something new

Just when I think I have exhausted my options for doing something creative, I start something new or revisit something old. This past week I uncovered all of my old Sculpey III clay and started anew. It was all still in good condition after nearly 7 years of hibernation! Now that's a rousing endorsement. I did not lose one piece due to hardening.

Anyway, K is having an open house for her new practice on April 2nd. I sat down and was trying to create something that I saw in a book as my first new clay project and ended up with something so entirely different that even I was surprised. I made a statue of a woman's face, head and shoulders called "Woman of the Earth." It is surprisingly lifelike and enjoyable to look at. I am going to bake it and make it into something that can sit on a bookshelf - out of the way but a reminder of something good. Totally blew me away that that's what came of my first effort.

I have to say that I totally forgot that it is Easter this weekend until my mother sent a potica for me to enjoy. As a practicing Buddhist, I rarely pay attention to any of the Christian holidays anymore but because of my Catholic upbringing, I am aware of their significance to Christians after they are brought to my attention. I am surprised that it is just assumed at work that people are Christian. We received an Easter present from the boss. In some ways it kid of upsets me because they don't offer presents for any of the other religious holidays - like Passover or whatever, so it seems rather insensitive to offer presents for holidays that are Christian only. What if someone was Muslim, Jewish, or Buddhist? What about their sacred days? I just find it interesting that somehow it is assumed that a person is Christian in this culture. It doesn't really matter, I suppose, but would they give the Dalai Lama Easter candy? I'm sure he would say, "why not?" and so that's what I will say, too.

I read something quite interesting about the Schiavo case today. Amy and Arny Mindell have been doing coma and altered state research for many years now and this is what they recently wrote about this case.

"For us, everyone's feelings and beliefs are important. And yet still a basic
question is what does Ms. Shiavo herself indicate right now in the midst of
her persistent vegetative state/comatose state or whatever diagnosis she
has. For us, the central ethical question is what are her response signals
to basic questions about her future. As coma workers we know first it's
important to set up a feedback system described by us in our coma books.
Then once that feedback system is established the next step is to pose
questions in a compassionate and related manner about the meaning of life,
death, relationships, etc. Finally, when this connection has been
established, the questions about life support may be asked. The fact that
these things are not being done or asked for indicates to us that the
general public is still about 15 years behind the original research we've
done. There's always a time lag in these things but we hope that time lag
can be reduced for the benefit of everyone concerned." Arnyand Amy Mindell

For more information on this remarkable couple and their ongoing research, please see (http://www.aamindell.net/) to read about them. I hope to see them on Larry King or some other national venue where they could share their research with people. I believe it would have a huge impact on this case if they were asked to participate.

Not too much else going on except that I have been playing an extraordinarily interesting new computer game called Journey to the Wild Divine. (http://www.wilddivine.com )It is a biofeedback game - "Wearing three finger sensors that track your body's heart rate variability and skin conductance, you move through enchanting and mystical landscapes using the power of your thoughts, feelings, breath and awareness." I was very frustrated at first because I couldn't seem to get the breathing down, but once I got the hang of it, I soared. I try to play for an hour a day. It is more intense than meditation and somewhat more enjoyable, although that's probably a matter of preference. Anyway, I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone trying to find a fun way to develop meditation and/or breathing skills.

Ta ta for now.

I found this on the web today.

"The reports on human progress are beginning to come in, and some are a little discouraging." (Ashleigh Brilliant)

Sometimes this guy is so right on. I just love his work.

http://www.ashleighbrilliant.com/

Shyness never got me anywhere

I am beginning to know that shyness does not get things done. Being bold gets things done. Whatever it is, being bold gets things done. So, maybe it's time to start being bold?

If I have to ask the question, I would guess I'm not ready.

Something to think about

I am thinking about something today that has come up for me over the weekend. I write this blog mostly as a forum for my own thoughts and to be able to track them over time. I don't really expect anyone to read very often, although some people have,and that's ok, too.

I was talking to someone at work the other night and we were talking about another co-workers blog and I told him that I, too, have a blog. He asked me to send him the address and I hesitated, not knowing what to say. I have always thought that having people at work reading my blog would not be a good thing because sometimes I write about my frustration with my job and don't know that I particularly want anyone at work to know this. It's not about anyone at work per se, it is more my frustration at not seeing the value in what I do. I wonder if I giving my blog address to this person is a good thing? One never knows about these things. Brings to mind the old Buddhist story of the boy who was thrown from the horse, broke his leg, and everyone in the town says, "what a terrible thing," until the army comes through recruiting and the young man cannot go because of his broken leg (a good thing from his perspective, perhaps). So, one never knows whether something is good or bad in the long run.

So, what to do? Is it ok to write, assuming that being anonymous is my protection or does it make sense to be out there and be willing to stand by what I write no matter who reads it? Perhaps it's time now to just put it out there for all to read and stand tall, knowing that it is only my opinion and that's all that really matters. If I look at other people's blogs, I can say - "it's just their opinion." and so, I think it's time to say to anyone reading any of this, "it's just my opinion" and leave it at that.

On another note, I have been reading about the Terry Schaivo case in the news again. I'm not sure what the solution is in that situation. We have all had talks with people in our lives about what we would want to have happen in this situation. Apparently she told her husband that she did not want to be kept alive through artificial means. The parents probably do not believe this or do not agree with her request and are fighting the husband on this issue to keep her alive. As with most things, it is not black and white. I can certainly see both sides of the issue. I wonder, though, if her wishes shouldn't be the most important thing? Isn't what SHE wanted for herself the most important thing? And wouldn't the husband know this? I mean, how many of us have had that discussion in the middle of the night or whenever about "honey, if anything ever happens to me, I want this..." Wouldn't the husband know this? And wouldn't the husband want to honor her wishes? The parents might think they know what's best for her, but in the long run, the person who has had the closest relationship with her and who has the most to lose is the husband. I can see both sides but I really believe that the husband knows what she wanted for herself and is just trying to honor that. I admire his courage in the face of so much turmoil about the whole thing.

I saw the movie "Talk to Her" this morning. See it. It's another case like Terry Schaivo's case. This one has a terrible twist to it, but essentially it is a case of someone who is in a "brain dead" state.

Also, see Hotel Rwanda this past week. A must see movie. In some ways, I am ashamed to say that we did, as a nation, nothing, in light of yet another incidence of mass murder in the world. Somehow, we proclaim that we will not let another mass murder of people occur in the world, but in the end, as in the movie, we say," isn't that terrible" and we go right on eating our evening meal while watching the nightly news. I don't know what can be done. But, as the saying goes, peace begins with me - so unless I figure out what I can do in light of these things, nothing will get done. It's not someone else's responsibility. It's my responsibility and yours. We all share the burden of stopping things like this. Just like the guy in the movie at the hotel. He could have left the country and never looked back, but he stayed and actually did something.

Somehow, it seems impossible that I can do anytrhing about these things, and yet, if I don't, who will?

How Time Flies

I am amazed that I haven't posted anything since Feb.28th. How time flies!

I have been working on several things lately. I've decided that if I am ever going to "get off the dime," I have to start thinking in terms of having some goals. I've never really had any goals to speak of. I've never really set out to do very many things, as it turns out. Sure, I went to school and even went to graduate school, but those weren't things I did for ME particularly. I never really thought through where it would take me - what the goal was other than finishing school. That was the end for me - not a tool to take me someplace else. I never really thought about what the "someplace else" would be. I've actually spent most of my life trying to minimize the amount of work I have to do - or the number of hours that I have to be at work. I have always considered work to be a necessary evil and nothing I would "choose" to do it I had the money to do otherwise.

So, where does that leave me? Doing something I don't want to be doing in a place where I don't want to be. That, for me, is hell, but apparently not enough to move me off the dime, as I say.

I am feeling the pressure of time. I have to laugh because I have always had this thing for watches. I am paying attention to the things I "collect." I love to buy new watches, pens (although I rarely write things long-hand much anymore), shoes, paper for printing photos, beads - some of which I actually use when I create beaded items, books on how to do things but I rarely actually do what is in the book, and key fobs, for lack of a better word.

So, where does that take me? At the Buddhist monastery that I have been to several times, one of their favorite sayings is, "your life is none of your business." If that is, in fact, true, then is any of the relevant? Should I just be an observer in my own life or am I supposed to actually be DOING something here? That's always the question for me. How much of this life is "none of my business" and how much of it is totally up to me? No one seems to know or have many answers about that question. At least I haven't read anything lately.

So, if I was going to have some goals in life - short term - long term, what would that look like? I don't know. Haven't ever had any. It is quite a challenge to think in terms of goals in life. I must be like the dog, moving from one minute to the next and never really thinking beyond that. Sure, I do some planning of sorts - I'm planning a trip to Arizona right now, but for the most part, I just move from one minute to the next without a lot of planning. Whatever comes up, I deal with it.

I read something in some book awhile ago that said that all that you're expected to do is be the very best you that you can be. Be the best version of yourself that you can be. So, who is this me and what would the best version look like?

These are things I need to think about for awhile tonight. I guess I will get to use some of those pens that I am so fond of buying to jot down some notes on paper and see what I can come up with. I can already feel the resistance to even thinking in terms of having goals. My brain just freezes and I block out the thoughts. I don't know if it's because I don't believe that I can have what I want or that I can reach some goal I have in mind, or that I just believe that being in the moment should be enough and all the planning in the world will not result in anything. Even thinking about it totally freaks me out. I can feel my stomach muscles tighten - which for me right now is a good thing since I have been feeling a little bit flabby lately, and I just go blank. My mind goes blank - a brick wall of blankness. I hold my breath, and I just go blank. So, I guess I'll just start with breathing first and see where that takes me. The first thing that comes to mind is that if I ever have my own goals, I will end up alone and lonely because no one will want or have the same goals. Interesting. I never really thought my myself as being someone who was freaked out about being alone but it must be there at some level. Where did I ever get that idea? If I do what I want, then I will have to be alone?

I'll have to think about that one for awhile. I'll bet though, and I'm a betting person once in blue moon, that it has something to do with the fact that I was so headstrong when I was young. I decided to transfer schools when I was young and pursue a program in Russian Studies. I did that. I got a wild hair and I did it. I transferred from one school to another. I don't know if my father approved of this plan or not, but I did it. Soon after, he died. Perhaps there is something there that leads me to believe that if I do what I want, I will be alone. It certainly happened that time. Although the two events are not related, in my mind perhaps, I have made a connection that has lasted all these years.

I'll have to think about this for awhile and continue this later.