How Time Flies

I am amazed that I haven't posted anything since Feb.28th. How time flies!

I have been working on several things lately. I've decided that if I am ever going to "get off the dime," I have to start thinking in terms of having some goals. I've never really had any goals to speak of. I've never really set out to do very many things, as it turns out. Sure, I went to school and even went to graduate school, but those weren't things I did for ME particularly. I never really thought through where it would take me - what the goal was other than finishing school. That was the end for me - not a tool to take me someplace else. I never really thought about what the "someplace else" would be. I've actually spent most of my life trying to minimize the amount of work I have to do - or the number of hours that I have to be at work. I have always considered work to be a necessary evil and nothing I would "choose" to do it I had the money to do otherwise.

So, where does that leave me? Doing something I don't want to be doing in a place where I don't want to be. That, for me, is hell, but apparently not enough to move me off the dime, as I say.

I am feeling the pressure of time. I have to laugh because I have always had this thing for watches. I am paying attention to the things I "collect." I love to buy new watches, pens (although I rarely write things long-hand much anymore), shoes, paper for printing photos, beads - some of which I actually use when I create beaded items, books on how to do things but I rarely actually do what is in the book, and key fobs, for lack of a better word.

So, where does that take me? At the Buddhist monastery that I have been to several times, one of their favorite sayings is, "your life is none of your business." If that is, in fact, true, then is any of the relevant? Should I just be an observer in my own life or am I supposed to actually be DOING something here? That's always the question for me. How much of this life is "none of my business" and how much of it is totally up to me? No one seems to know or have many answers about that question. At least I haven't read anything lately.

So, if I was going to have some goals in life - short term - long term, what would that look like? I don't know. Haven't ever had any. It is quite a challenge to think in terms of goals in life. I must be like the dog, moving from one minute to the next and never really thinking beyond that. Sure, I do some planning of sorts - I'm planning a trip to Arizona right now, but for the most part, I just move from one minute to the next without a lot of planning. Whatever comes up, I deal with it.

I read something in some book awhile ago that said that all that you're expected to do is be the very best you that you can be. Be the best version of yourself that you can be. So, who is this me and what would the best version look like?

These are things I need to think about for awhile tonight. I guess I will get to use some of those pens that I am so fond of buying to jot down some notes on paper and see what I can come up with. I can already feel the resistance to even thinking in terms of having goals. My brain just freezes and I block out the thoughts. I don't know if it's because I don't believe that I can have what I want or that I can reach some goal I have in mind, or that I just believe that being in the moment should be enough and all the planning in the world will not result in anything. Even thinking about it totally freaks me out. I can feel my stomach muscles tighten - which for me right now is a good thing since I have been feeling a little bit flabby lately, and I just go blank. My mind goes blank - a brick wall of blankness. I hold my breath, and I just go blank. So, I guess I'll just start with breathing first and see where that takes me. The first thing that comes to mind is that if I ever have my own goals, I will end up alone and lonely because no one will want or have the same goals. Interesting. I never really thought my myself as being someone who was freaked out about being alone but it must be there at some level. Where did I ever get that idea? If I do what I want, then I will have to be alone?

I'll have to think about that one for awhile. I'll bet though, and I'm a betting person once in blue moon, that it has something to do with the fact that I was so headstrong when I was young. I decided to transfer schools when I was young and pursue a program in Russian Studies. I did that. I got a wild hair and I did it. I transferred from one school to another. I don't know if my father approved of this plan or not, but I did it. Soon after, he died. Perhaps there is something there that leads me to believe that if I do what I want, I will be alone. It certainly happened that time. Although the two events are not related, in my mind perhaps, I have made a connection that has lasted all these years.

I'll have to think about this for awhile and continue this later.