All Dressed up and Nowhere to Go

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I bought another laptop - the same kind I had before. I'm not so sure that I'm going to keep it so I've decided not to put some of my programs on that require yet another call to the service centers to get an auth code. It's such a hassle to have to do this that I'm avoiding it at all cost right now until I decide for sure that I'm really going to keep this machine. That's the beauty of Costco - you get a chance to actually use something before you have to decide for sure that it's going to work out. I can't justify buying anywhere else anymore. I have an MBA so I know this is what they want - inelastic buying. I will almost always buy at Costco now unless they don't carry what I want. Enough of that stuff!

So, what am I doing here? I haven't written in months. I used to keep a web page up on Tripod but when my hard drive crashed and I lost the web site, I just didn't have the heart to try to rebuild the whole thing. I have copied all of the material from the site but I'm going to take it down and start over with this one. Much easier to use and less $$$. That's good.

I went to a show called "What the #$#@ do we know?" the other day. What a fascinating movie. I have read a lot of material on quantum physics lately and the book by Candice Pert called "Molecules of Emotion," but it's whole 'nother thing to hear these people speak and tell the story out loud. Somehow, my reading comprehension is not what my visual and auditory comprehension are so it filled in a lot of gaps for me to have seen the movie. Mostly what it confirms is what I have thought for a long time - we don't really know anything for sure. We think we know things but we really don't. We don't know who we are or why we are here. Sure, there are lots of books and lots of people who THINK they know the answers to these questions but nobody knows for sure. It is also quite interesting to discover that nothing is really "real" until we look at it... until we consciously look at something. It manifests when we look at it. If you are not looking - it doesn't exist. It keeps reminding me to try to see with "beginner's eyes."

So, what difference does this make in my life? How can I use this information? What can I make of this? Can I use it for my benefit? For everyone's benefit? How can I use this for everyone's benefit? How can I use the knowledge that when a piece of paper was taped to a glass full of water and then pictures were taken of the water, the water looked different under a microscope. If thoughts can do this, what are beneficial thoughts to have? What about the ones that creep in, like "you spineless piece of she..."? How does that affect me? How does that affect everyone around me? I don't know but just like the line in the movie... "it makes you wonder."

I did something entirely different today. I FINALLY watched the yoga tape today that I bought months ago. I finally did it. I looked totally ridiculous I suspect, but I did it. I felt totally lousy afterward. My stomach was doing flip flops for about an hour. I ate something and I felt better. I know that the focus on the stomach and the abdomen was crucial to this. I know that there is something going on in my guts right now. I'm putting on weight like crazy- something that doesn't happen to me so this is totally weird. It must have something to do with menopause. I don't know what yet, but it has something to do with that. I'm getting round and I don't care for it much.

So, the high and low of it is that I am wandering around these days without anything much to do and not liking it much. I have lost my focus lately and haven't been doing anything. I'm just wandering around being miserable. I know that some people would kill for my schedule. I only work weekend nights and Friday afternoon. That is a luxury that few people have. I keep thinking that I am so lucky to only have to work these hours but when I can't think of anything to do, it becomes a torture of sorts. I mean, if a person has a lot of free time but has nothing to fill that time, it is like being in a candy store without money. That is worse, in my opinion, than not knowing about the candy store at all. So, I'm struggling. I can't think of anything worth doing right now. I'm not too interested in taking photos anymore. I have thousands of photos of flowers - they are my favorites, but I've take about all I need to take right now. I just don't see the use in it. I don't see the use in much of anything. Sure, there is a slight high when I get something new - a new toy or whatever, but in the end the bottom falls out and I end up feeling once again like I am wandering around in a dark cave hitting my head on the ceiling as I try to feel my way out. I'm wandering around in a cave now and I just can't seem to find my way out. That's the ugly part of being alive right now because one part of me is scolding the other part of me for wasting all of this time. I'm wasting time and I know it but I don't know how to stop it. I think it has to do with getting connected with people but I don't know how to do that. I don't have the confidence that I really have anything to offer anyone and that I can control how much time I give to something. I don't have good boundaries. That's it. I don't have good boundaries. Boundaries. Saying no and saying yes.

I have to think about this for awhile. I think I'm on to something.