Doing Nothing Finally Caught Up With Me

Interesting.
I was reading back on the blog. I haven't posted anything since 2009, right before I got into trouble at work for something I did.

I got laid off from that job awhile ago. I knew it was bound to happen. It is hard in this world to have fat in the system, as I certainly would be considered pork in this system. So, now what do I do with my life. That's the $64K question, of course. I wish I could just retire and be done with the whole thing but I'm not anywhere near ready or able to retire. I was not a good planner for the future and so now I find myself in this weird spot of once again having to pull a rabbit out of my hat. Can I do that? Maybe. Do I want to? Maybe. Can I find something fun to do? Maybe. What do I have to lose exactly at this point in my life. Nothing really. I have accumulated very little. I have been about "experience" and not about things. I still think I made the right decision where that is concerned so I don't regret for one minute the things I have done, the people I have met and the lovely places I have seen.

I feel that it might once again be time to re-visit the blogosphere and write again. So, I'll keep you posted.

Impossible- Now let's start planning

I just watched Man on Wire - the documentary of the guy who walked on the wire between the Twin Towers in 1974. I vaguely remember this event because I was in New York City once and it happened to be in 1973 while the Twin Towers were being built.

This is a tale of courage, creativity, and a passion for life. He is really living his life right up to the edge. I can only see that because I am sitting comfortably in the middle and from this vantage point he is one of the few who is really alive in this world. I don't think it is because of the magnitude of his feat that I admire him, but the mere fact that he set a goal - an impossible one, at that - and followed through. He believed in himself enough to just put both buns into it and go! The shear force of his personality was the key. The others would have given up. The others would have folded their tents and gone home long before him. He could not fail, however, because anyone who has the creativity and courage to try such a performance will surely succeed. How could it be otherwise?

That's what I am missing in my life. I can see it in his, which is why I can see that it is lacking in mine.

I am so knotted up inside that I just don't do anything these days. I have the force of will, but no direction. I have projects in mind, but no conviction. No movement. Suppose I just take what is in front of me right now. What would I do?

We have this house. It needs a tremendous amount of work. It is a 70's ranch that has been neglected for years - us and others. The mind says "what's the point? Even if you succeed in making the place nice to live in, the neighbors will still be beer drinking, rowdy, smoking folks who make so much noise that you can't even open your windows."

The heart says, "sell the house, buy a motorhome and travel the country. Learn to surf. Help kids learn golf. Hold silence retreats in motorhome parks."

The industrious part of me wants to just start building. Build the deck. Build the fence. Tear out the carpet and put in tile and wood floors. Damn the torpedoes - full steam ahead kind of attitude.

I realized that the tension that I create here when we do a project is the same kind of tension that I feel and create at work. I am opposed to everything. I am in a weird place, that's for sure. I don't know if I'm afraid of hard work or that the results will be disappointing.

I need to keep digging.

Feeling the heat

In trouble at work. At least that's what I think is happening. It might be a case of the eggplant and the monk, but I'm afraid not this time. You know the old story - the monk is walking back to his hermitage at night and steps on something and squishes it. He walks on and begins to worry that he has squished a frog or some other creature. He worries all night and can't sleep because he believes that he has killed something on the path while returning to his hermitage in the dark.

The next morning, he runs to the spot of the "crime" and finds a squished eggplant on the path. He realizes that he didn't kill anything and that all of the worry and anguish was for nothing. He didn't know what "reality" was - he just thought he knew. He made it all up, worried about it all night, and wasted all that time on something that didn't happen.

I'm in the same position.

I'm worried about an incident that happened at work on Friday. I made a mistake initially and then compounded the mistake by handling it in a way that probably wasn't according to protocol. I did the best I could; explained what I did and why. I just have the feeling that I'm going to get fried for this one. So, am I the monk worrying all night about squishing the eggplant? Or is my gut instinct right - that I'm on the chopping block for this error.

Hard to tell.

Makes me crazy not to know.

What's the lesson?

The lesson is that I don't know what reality is in this case. I know what I did. I know what he did. But I don't know what has transpired since then.

Patience.

Another day of accomplishing NOTHING

I think I have become the queen of doing nothing. I LOOK like I am doing things, but at the end of the day, I don't seem to have accomplished anything. It's a very weird feeling to notice that I don't really do anything and it surprises me.

So, how am I able to do this? And what, if anything, does it mean? Probably nothing. Well, let me qualify that. PART of me thinks that it doesn't mean anything. Part of me thinks it's a BIG deal, and part of me is amused by the whole thing to the point of laughing outloud. And this is precisely what keeps me locked in this cycle of spinning around like a top. I think of one thing, work on it and then moments later, I switch and work on something else. I don't stay with anything for more than 10 minutes - which drives me a little mad at times. How can this be? How can I ever get anything done if I can't stay with anything for more than 10 minutes?

I am trying to watch the patterns. Start this... Move on to something new in moments. Frustration. Start loading something for the home business, don't have the bank statements, can't get started, stop and switch to something else. Try to get the website up. Can't decide what kind of hosting I need. Stop. Switch to something else. Start doing cards, stop. Don't have the hard drive connected that has all the photos and don't have a color cartridge for the printer. Start reading a book, get bored, put it down, start a new book. Look for another piece for the frame for pictures, don't know the size, leave store before making a decision.

It's an endless cycle of starting and stopping things without ever finishing anything. Interesting dream the other night. Dream that my partner was leaving me for a man. She said that she wasn't leaving me because she didn't love me but because the guy was paying attention to her. I know, of course, that this dream had nothing to do with my partner and it had everything to do with me. I get confused when I read a lot of my Buddhist books because attachment to anything is cause of suffering. So, I am attached to this body, to my job, to my lack of ability to concentrate, to my lack of success, etc...

I know that these attachments are the cause of suffering but how to get out of it? How to live in this world and not live in this world. How to be more lighthearted? Everything seems so serious and heavy right now. Is this depression? I don't know. I keep thinking that I have probably been depressed my whole life and not known it. I can't seem to shake the heaviness of life... Like I've been slimed and I can't wash it off. Maybe that's true?

I read a good line in a book the other day- "One of the pitfalls of childhood is that one doesn't have to understand something to feel it. By the time the mind is able to comprehend what has happened, the wounds of the heart are already too deep." p. 35, The Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon. I don't know why that struck me at the time I read it, but it made so much sense to me. I don't even know why.

So, time to go. More later. Don't know exactly what will come of this, but it's time to write again. And write I will.

Why I Cannot Be at Peace Now

I've been reading Eckhart Tolle's new book called "A New Earth" again this week and ran across page 115 where he asks us to ask ourselves "why I cannot be at peace now." It got me thinking that perhaps if everyone everywhere in the world could pause for one minute and ask themselves that question and find that, indeed, I can be at peace NOW, in this moment, that the whole world would be peaceful at least for one minute. And if we could replicate that for more than one minute, then the whole world could be peaceful for more than one minute.

It's kind of like the idea of "pay it forward" from the movie a couple of years ago. If everyone just did it - NOW- in this moment, then it could happen.

What do you think?

Might as well as

I broke down and bought a new camera this past week. I don't know if it's the BEST camera for the money. So far I am impressed. I bought the Olympus E-300. I bought it because I had a C-5060 for a year and half and really liked it but wanted to move up to a digital SLR. There is something to be said for knowing the menus and how a manufacturer makes their cameras so I stuck with what I knew. I suppose that's not always the best way of making a choice - and manufacturers make use of that, but so far I am happy with the choice I made.

It takes awhile to get used to the idea of being able to make all of the choices in settings. I know nothing about SLR cameras, aperture and shutter speed settings so this is quite a challenge. Although there are "canned" settings on the camera, I am trying to teach myself how to make some adjustments in the way I take pictures so I can do things a little better than I have in the past. I guess that's the name of the game, eh? Progress, not perfection. In the end, however, there is an element to picture taking that cannot be taught in a book... just like anything else. If you aren't Tiger Woods, you are not going to play gold like Tiger Woods no matter how many lessons you take. And that's what makes anything so intriguing. There isn't anyone who is going to take pictures like I do because they won't see exactly what I see or focus on. The best description of good picture taking was in a book I read that said that if you get the equipment to take the picture that you saw, then you have succeeded - no matter how the picture turns out.

The might was as well as comes in when all of the add-ons are considered. Now my laptop is slow because I am shooting in TIFF's. Now my old memory cards are too small because I am shooting in TIFFs and the list goes on and on. My old camera bag is too small, I need a tripod to eliminate the shakes and I may as well get a new hard drive for storage, etc. So, it's not JUST the new camera that's involved here, see? It's all the "may as well as" things that go along with it. I'm trying to hold it to a low roar but when I do these things, I find that when I am in for a penny, I am in for a pound - otherwise it's not worth doing. So, it's going to be a $2,500 proposition by the time I get done. So it goes. Grateful that I have the resources to do it.

I have been watching movies again. I just finished watching "The Sea Inside" about the Spanish man who was a quadriplegic who was an advocate of euthanasia. He eventually was able to get someone to help in his endeavor to die. I was moved by the fact that he said something to the effect that he doesn't judge the people who, in the same situation, choose to live, while he asked for the same consideration for himself because he wanted to die and the die with dignity. It makes one wonder if we have the right to determine the fate of anyone. Does everyone have the right to self-determination or not? I think that is a question that faces each and every person along the way because sooner or later, we all face death - our own and others. I admire him for his steadfastness in reaching his goal. 5-stars

I also saw another movie called "Autumn and Spring." A Czech movie, I think. I think any couple could benefit from seeing this movie because people seem to fall into this pattern for some reason. Sometimes the roles are reversed, but in the end, it feels like everyone could relate in some way to this film. 5-stars.

Going to Canada this week. Ainsworth maybe but there's a chance that we might go to the coast. We have a friend who has been sick and it feels like a good time to see her. And besides, it's summer and the motorhome is such a marvelous way to travel. We just love this little machine!

Back from the trenches

I haven't written in awhile. I don't know how that happens. Time just flies... as they say.

I was on a 3 day silence retreat a couple of weeks ago, saw Deepak Chopra, and I have spent a week in California and Oregon since I last posted. I guess that's why I haven't written.

In any case, everything has been interesting to me lately. One of the most interesting things I have discovered is something that came out of the silence retreat.

I am especially sensitive to sound. Or at least I believe I am. One of the reasons I do not care to go to the lake is that the cabins are right long a very busy highway. The traffic noise is relentless. They are near a two lane highway where cars travel about 60 mph+- most of the day and into the evening hours. At midnight, a train goes by and shakes the whole cabin. The track is maybe 100 feet from the cabin. So, when I am there, a constant barrage of noise hits me and I am miserable... or am I?

I discovered this in the retreat - there is a process that happens with sound, or anything else really. First there is the sound. Then there is a label of the sound. Then there is a judgment of the sound and then there is the story that develops around the label and the judgment. Everything that happens after the sound is what causes the misery. The sound is neither here nor there really. It is the "rest of the story" that causes the trouble.

For instance, I was sitting in meditation. At one moment, I heard a bird chirping. Then I heard Max, the dog, whimpering because he did not like being put in the other house while we were in meditation (my interpretation) and then there was the traffic noise. So, I heard three things. One after another. And what distinguishes them? My interpretation of them. The "sound" was just a sound. It is nothing but a sound. But, my judgment and interpretation are what distinguish them and then I am miserable - or not. Why aren't I miserable when I hear a bird chirping? What story do I tell myself about a bird chirping that is different that the sound of traffic. They are both interrupting "silence," or so I tell myself. So what makes the difference?

My interpretation. My judgment. My story.

And that's what I've figured out happens with all perception. And that's why being in awareness without judgment or interpretation is the end of suffering. When one can be in awareness without judgment or interpretation, there is just awareness and experience. I don't know how to describe it but the best way to practice it is through meditation and through practicing awareness. Take a walk and walk with awareness without labeling anything. It is very interesting to do this. Walk and hear a bird but without labeling it "bird." Try it. Hear, see, feel things without labeling them. If there is no label, there is no interpretation or judgment. And without those things, there is pure awareness and experience. But no suffering.

Deepak Chopra. Tremendous speaker and presentation. His talk was so well crafted that it felt like I was in a dream when I left. I think we were all walking 100 feet off the ground when we left. Inspirational, informative, provocative. He integrated many of the ideas I have read about in such a way as to assemble the pages of a book in my mind. It's as though the pages of a book were all there and magically he put all of those pages in order. I was amazed. I have listened to his tapes from time to time but they always put me to sleep. In fact, I started to use them in the that fashion after awhile because I knew that they would put me to sleep. I never listened to the whole set. Now, after seeing him in person, I believe that I could listen to his tapes and stay awake. It had nothing to do with him, mind you, but with me and how ready I was to hear what he had to say. I guess I am ready now. Interesting how these things play out.

Traveling. Road trips. What a wonderful invention. I forgot how really wonderful it is to take a long drive in the car. Some people really dread long drives but I seem to rejoice in the freedom of driving long distances while listening to books on tape or just quietly driving along seeing everything along the way. What a great way to spend some time!

I listened to Ben Franklin and to a novel called The Blue Nowhere. Both are excellent. I especially liked Ben Franklin because it showed how a person who seeks to negotiate with the representatives of the extremes will oftentimes be able to bring them back to the center long enough to get to an agreement. We need such a person today. That may actually be Jimmy Carter, in my opinion. He is that kind of negotiator and has that kind of effect on situations. I wish he had more influence.

The Blue Nowhere was an eye-opener. I work in the computer industry so I knew a lot of what he was talking about but there were also many startling revelations in this book for me. I had no idea that so many things were possible with an adept programmer. It doesn't seem to bode well for the average user who is totally unaware of what is possible. Somehow it feels like we are caught between the internet being used for free expression of all ideas and total control of all ideas. I don't know how it will turn out but it feels like 1984 isn't that far away. It may be that the tool that we think gives us the ability to express ideas may actually be our undoing in the end.

Seeing friends and relatives is a wonderful way to spend time. I enjoyed seeing everyone and sharing ideas and my artwork. It is what I do best. I set up a new printer and installed a hard drive. That's the pleasure of knowing something about computers - being able to help people do what they want to be able to do with this new tool. Read online newspapers. Communicate through e-mail, etc. That's the tradeoff for all of the other issues occur in cyberspace - viruses, spam, phishing... . And isn't cyberspace just a reflection of all of humanity, afterall? It's just another stage for people to act out their lives on so why wouldn't it reflect all of humanity?

It can hardly be otherwise, eh?