Another day in paradise

I have been very lazy today - catching up on all sorts of things that need doing... bank balance, lawn mowing, etc. and it feels rather nice to just hang for awhile.

I had an interesting "aaaaah... haaaa" today. I re-read what I wrote in the middle of the night over the weekend (prompted by a reply to that post) and realized that I am caught up in the very thing that I have been reading about. Wanting things to be different than the way they are and in doing so, I spin my wheels and make myself miserable in the process. I feel like a walking factory of misery sometimes when I get caught in this spin cycle of looking and then judging and then feeling depressed. It is a very common cycle for me... maybe for everyone at some level - who knows?

Anyway, it dawned on me that the point of meditation is to learn how to be here in the moment doing nothing, thinking nothing, going nowhere. I must have some kind of work ethic thing that says that if I am not "doing something" then I am wasting time. Even reading a book at times can be seen as a waste of time for me, unless I am learning something. Meditation is helping me see that conditioning - as well as any other conditioning that comes up. I love it. It is so clear to me that I am a product of my generation, culture, and family heritage after sitting. I have to be doing something to be worthwhile. That's why sitting is such a "waste of time" in some sense to me. But, if I can justify it by saying that I will accomplish something with it, then it's ok. So, I tell myself that I will better myself; become wiser, become calmer... blah, blah, blah. It is all part of the same old game. What a hoot!

It's a very slippery thing right now for me. Sitting with no agenda. What a concept. Gosh, it would never occur to me to do anything without some agenda of accomplishing something from it and here I find myself doing something and "trying" to do it without an agenda. Of course, that is even an agenda, but I feel like it is something different than before. What an interesting ride this is.

I'm thinking of going to Australia for a WorldWork conference in April of next year. Can I really do that? Can I really go half way around the world and do something like this? It is really at my edge to think that I can do this. It's far enough away that maybe I really can do this - financially, I mean. The conference is only about $650 and then there's accommodations and the flight and some site-seeing money... well, it's a thought.

Working on some new things

I'm reading a pretty fascinating book right now called, "Emotional Design" by Donald Norman. A couple of things come to mind while reading.

I get the impression that people surround themselves typically with things that are meaningful to them. People have furniture that reminds them of something, photos, mementos of all kinds - kind of like a living museum of their life. I realized that I find myself surrounded by things that no longer have much meaning to me. For instance, I have things that I have to have at a behavioral level - clothes, a car, some furniture, photos, whatever, but for the most part none of them are things that evoke any memories that I really want to spend time thinking about any longer. I have been thinking a lot about the other book

I have been reading called, "Buddhism - It's Not What You Think" by Steve Hagen and wonder how a person can truly be in the moment when we seem to be programmed to have all of these things around us that remind us of other times and places and people. It feels like there is a real conflict in this. We are taught to think of the future, remember the past, etc. but no where do we get the message to "be here now." And we encourage that in ourselves by having all of the these THINGS that surround us to remind us of things in the "past." Interesting.

I was driving past some billboards today in town. They are advertisements for a storage company. "Can't bear to part with it?" the message asks. Store it. We have become a nation of horders in some fashion. We hang on to things way beyond their usefulness - practical usefulness, that is, but maybe they are useful in another sense? Maybe that's what this emotional design is all about. It evokes memories and keeps people locked in the past and the future. Another reason why people aren't just here now - present, in this moment.

Of course, I am only speaking for myself here. And that's what's so interesting about this observation. It feels like the things I have around the house no longer evoke the memories that are pleasant or desirable any more. Does that mean I should be collecting new things - or not collecting at all? If I am truly in the moment, do I need to have anything around me at all? I suppose I have to have some things - practical things, a bed, clothes, a table, etc. But what of the rest? I have all of these pictures around - thousands of photographs that I have taken over the years. Are any of them important now? Probably not if I am truly living in the moment.

I have been thinking about photography for that very reason. It preserves a moment in time - as though that can actually be accomplished. It cannot. And that's what's so interesting about this to me. It's almost as though Buddhism really goes against the grain of all of the evolutionary changes that have happened to humans. We relish the photos we have - the mementos of past moments. And yet, by thinking of anything but what is happening right now, we are left with moments that are void of memories because we were thinking of something else at the time. I don't spend time pinning for the day that I spent thinking about some other previous moment, now do I?

I spend time remembering some other moment when I was actually in the moment and present and doing something - I remember some event - not some moment when I was thinking about some other moment. So, the trick is to stay present and do what I am doing in this moment so that I will have moments to remember. How weird.

I'm playing with polymer clay these days. What an interesting medium to work with. I can only say that it is something that is taking infinite amounts of patience for me to learn. I do not dissect things the way I have to to create items in clay. It is excrutiatingly slow sometimes to really understand all of the steps that it takes to create something. I find that interesting because that truly is reflection of my whole life. I am not much for having to study anything - to learn the steps in anything. I am not one to plod along and follow the learning curve on anything. I played golf as a kid because it was easy. There was no learning curve. I was good at it from the start. I skated for the same reason. I was good at it from the start.

I guess I am noticing that I do things that I have a natural talent for. I don't "learn" things. I do them once or twice and if I am good at it, I might continue; if not - I just don't do it anymore. Dancing. I don't do it because I would have to learn how. I took lessons, could not get the hang of it, stopped and haven't pursued it since. Languages, piano, computers, etc. All things I have studied for about 10 minutes along the way and when I figured out that I was not a "natural," I quit. If it doesn't come easy, I don't do it.

So, where does this leave me? It leaves me with some pretty old skills - or not very well developed skills in some areas. I don't have a profession per se. I have lots of education but no profession. And that's kind of the story of how that happened. I never really pursued any kind of professional life because it just wasn't that easy to figure out anything to do. I do what's easy and I have always been able to make a living, but I don't really do anything interesting or exciting or challenging. I do what's easy. I wonder about the comment my father made many years ago -"you can do anything if you will only apply yourself." Somehow I just never learned the skill of how to apply myself to anything. I play with things but when the learning curve gets too steep, I just fade away and get excited about something else. I'm kind of at that point in Photoshop and my photo collages. I would have to spend a lot more time learning something new - some new technique because I have exhausted my present knowledge of the program pretty much in what I have created. So, why not take it a step further and learn something new? Well, that's hard work and I'm just not into that. So, I moved on to clay.

Sure, I'm having fun with it, but in the end it, too, will come to an end when the things I can learn and do easily end. Then push will come to shove, and I will bail. Interesting. I just keep moving. Constant motion. I think that's why I like road trips so much. I can be in motion (my natural state) without having to do anything. I'm in the car and moving - but just sitting there. I have an excuse not to be doing anything because I'm driving. What a weird concept. Sometimes I get the impression that I am watching me - this body I identify as "me" with such fascination because I don't believe what I do sometimes and if I were "me" I wouldn't be doing what I do. Weird. It's almost like I'm watching this other person and scratching my head most of the time wondering when she is going to wake up and realize that this can't go on.

But, it does and I do. So, back to the book.